Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
