Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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