He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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