i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
