Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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