dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
