who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
