watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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