I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
