community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
