I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
