my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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