We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
