So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just gift wrapped bread.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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