We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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