I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
