You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
