It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
