What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
