tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Rumble strips road head = magical
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
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