Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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