I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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