I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
