jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
