it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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