she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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