I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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