Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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