I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i think i have herpe
just one?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Randomize
