my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
