Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
