For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
