Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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