i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
