I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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