Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
