Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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