Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
