hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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