i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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