Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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