You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
