i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
