I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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