Your dad touched me again.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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