i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
