i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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