I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
