Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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