but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
