She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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