i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
