Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
